Nautical but nice: ship gag is best Edinburgh Fringe joke

Ten years after the comedian Mark Simmons first performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival he has succeeded in winning its funniest joke award.
The stand-up comic won the prize for his one-line gag: “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.”
It was chosen as the best joke from a shortlist of 15 selected for the 15th Funniest Joke of the Fringe Awards, supported by the rebranded television channel U&Dave.
Simmons, who is performing at PBH’s Free Fringe show at Edinburgh’s Liquid Room Annexe, was shortlisted by a judging panel made up of fellow comedians and comedy critics before 2,000 people voted to decide the winner.
It marks an improvement from his second place finish in 2022 for his gag: “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon it’s next day delivery?”
Simmons has also previously finished in ninth and sixth position after his friend convinced him to do an open mike night before his Edinburgh Festival debut in 2014.
The comedian also scored fifth spot on this year’s list for a Paris 2024-inspired joke. “I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton. Well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.”
Simmons, currently performing his 200-date Quip Off The Mark tour, also hosts the Jokes With Mark Simmons podcast in which he invites a fellow comic to discuss jokes that they have written but have failed to work.
He said that he was “really chuffed” to have won the award.
“I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers,” he said. “I can’t understand it, I always gave 110 per cent.”
“The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati”Olaf Falafel
“I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there”Sarah Keyworth
“Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply”Lou Wall
“My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had”Zoe Coombs Marr
“I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it”Arthur Smith
1. “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.” Mark Simmons2. “I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward, two steps back.” Alec Snook3. “Ate horse at a restaurant once — wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.” Alex Kitson4. “I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.” Arthur Smith5. “I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it” Mark Simmons6. “My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” — which, I think, speaks volumes” Olaf Falafel7. “British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in ‘Spoons?” Chelsea Birkby8. “I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it.” Masai Graham9. “My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had” Zoë Coombs Marr10. “The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.” Olaf Falafel11. “I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.” Sarah Keyworth12. “I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard” Roger Swift13. “Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply.” Lou Wall14. “Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher” Sophie Duker15. “Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people” Olga Koch